I'm engaged to the love of my life!

I still stand firm in my belief that you can't force something you don't feel and when you find the right person ~ you WILL know because when you know you know. I always lived in the fantasy of one day meeting someone and feeling that absolute certainty of meeting my partner in life and love but for many years I assumed I just wasn't meant to find love, I just wasn't meant to meet someone who felt the same way I did about him.

With many years of failed relationships under my belt and being that 'desperate girl" begging the next guy to not walk out of my life and changing the person I am just in the hope that they would stay, I started to become the girl who was afraid of "forever" commitment. I had a common thread running through my relationships, I would push the decent guys away and treat them like crap but beg the bad boys to stay.

I had been struggling in an on/off relationship I wanted so badly for three years and I constantly made excuses for why it kept failing but yet I still ran back. I started losing friends dear to me because I was so consumed with wanting to make him love me like I loved him that I shut off the world around me.

Finally, one night I sat on my bed and just said out loud..."I've had enough, no more and it is ok to be alone"...admitting this and accepting this was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

Meeting Wayne...

Wayne and I had met at a party before but according to him I paid him no attention and why would I, I was with my partner at the time and I'm that type of girl. When I am in a relationship I don't pay attention to other men. Needless to say I had seen Wayne at gym a few times after the party but as he will tell you, I still didn't notice him. Wayne gave up his attempt to get my attention and thought he would leave me be as I had a boyfriend and I seemed like a stuck up girl.

I apparently friend requested Wayne on FB....according to him, according to me...I don't recall doing this. Anyway on my birthday he sent me a birthday wish and I remembered him as the guy from gym that knew people I knew and that guy that I had said hi to in passing at the party so I thanked him for the wishes and added that I hoped he was well. Of course he replied  and thought he would try his luck and ask me if I would like to train with him at the gym and perhaps go for a cup of coffee. I was single by this time and at first I remember saying to myself.." No I'm not going to go, I am tired of guys and being hurt" but then just thought what the heck for three years you have basically lived in a box, time to get out there and meet new people, so I went and I had to best day ever ~ no expectations, just pure fun and laughter. I knew from that moment on that he would change my life and to be honest that scared me...

So I ran from him...straight back into the arms of my previous boyfriend, a big part of me knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life, leopards don't change their spots ( unless they grow up and really want to) but I believed all the promises yet again. For those almost three months I was miserable, I missed Wayne and cried most nights at how stupid I had been to let something so good, something that felt so right...go.

Once again I reached that point and said enough is enough but this time it felt different, for the first time in three years I stood up for myself and grew a back bone. I refused to be manipulated further and I ended things and left. Heartbroken and fearing change, I knew that this was it, I was never going back but I felt a sense of relief and peace come over me that day.

Fast forward a few weeks...

Wayne and I got in touch again and got to talking. We decided to spend time together, time to really get to know one another, as friends but that didn't last very long and my fear of commitment turned into...I want to do this forever with him. We started dating and the rest was history.

We really have a strong bond, a bond I have never felt with any of my past relationships. He is my best friend, lover and soulmate and I am so blessed that God allowed our paths to cross and then cross again. He is so amazing, no words would ever be able to describe just how amazing he really is. He loves me unconditionally and he has taught me what true love really is.

The proposal...

Wayne took me away for the night to Lagoon beach hotel, he said we needed a stress free night away.We had lunch on the pool deck and gazed across the ocean at the view of table mountain. We had couples massages and relaxed in our room. We bought snacks and cuddled while we watched the rugby, something I have missed doing as our lives have just been so crazy busy. For dinner we had Wang Thai, one of my favourite restaurants...who doesn't like Thai food?!

 

I was none the wiser because through all of that he never proposed or acted weird at all. The morning came and we got dressed for breakfast and packed our bags. Breakfast was great, we chatted and looked at the gorgeous view.

After breakfast we had decided we were going to go for a walk on the beach to take a few pictures of Table mountain and the beauty that surrounded us and so we did.

I could stare at this view for days...

Walking on the beach we passed a bench to sit on and he suggested we sit, while I turned around to look if the bench was clean, he got on one knee. When I turned around I was greeted with my boyfriend down on one knee and so many things ran through my mind in that split second. I cannot possibly tell you everything as I cannot even remember. I remember tears filling up in my eyes instantly and putting my hands over my mouth in shock.

Yet another moment in my life I will never forget

The moment he said those words...Tarrin Hagan, will you marry me...I felt like my heart jumped out of my chest. I felt so many emotions in one go.

Wayne Loxton thank you for changing my life for the better and for being the best thing that ever happened to me, thank you for allowing me to feel with absolute certainty that I have found my partner in life and love and thank you for loving me for me ...I love you

Love the future Mrs Loxton

And just like that, He is 3 Months Old ~ Camden Kingsley Loxton

 

Our little champ turned 13 weeks yesterday and today, Friday the 17th of October... he is officially 3 months old. I said this so many times during my pregnancy and I have said it so many times since Camden has been born...

Where is the time going, can time just stand still for a little while!!!

 

I must admit though, it feels much longer than three months, seriously, it feels like he has been here with us and a part of our little family forever and a day.

 

He really is so adorable, his cute shy smile and the beginning sounds of his little giggle, honestly melts my heart. He isn't a quiet super easy sleepy baby as some of my friends brag about when they tell me about how perfect their kids are. Camden is a good boy with a strong little personality and he will let you know if he doesn't like something...this he definitely inherits from his mamma so I can't blame him.

As the days pass by he becomes more and more interactive, listening to him try and tell you "stories" is just too funny. He babbles on as if you understand him and his facial expressions are enough to send you over the edge, laughing so much at him that your tummy aches.

 

I wouldn't change anything about my days right now, he is so worth it. I am thankful that he is sleeping from 10pm to 5am, for me this is sleeping through and one day I will thank him for not giving us too much of a hard time when it is sleepy time.

 

Having Camden has made me realise that not everything needs to be in its place at all times (Major OCD) and that it is ok to chill from time to time. I have never been so unscheduled in my life to be honest and at first that threw me off but I'm totally over that now. I usually have everything planned out and now I live for the day. Yes we may not have everyday planned out but we have a good routine that we follow, Wayne sees to Camden in the morning while I get showered, do my hair and make-up and eat some breakfast. Once I am done I take over from Wayne and get Cam ready for the day while Wayne gets done for his day. We prepare bottles and nappy bags in the evening and take turns to eat our dinner. This seems to be working for us....Go TEAM LOXTON! Having Wayne by my side helping me as much as he does with everything is amazing, I am truly blessed that he is such a hands on daddy...he IS amazing and I love watching my boys together. I can just see the love between them, they are best friends. Camden adores him.

I wouldn't say that raising a baby gets easier as the days go by.I just think you get used to having your baby around with the extra responsibility and looking after another human besides yourself starts to become second nature.

The other day while I was busy in our room and Wayne lay with Camden on the bed I looked up to see them both staring at me with so much love, that was a polaroid moment right there but I didn't have my camera or phone close by. My boys = love.

This month has been a rather busy one for us as a family. We had friends visiting from the UK with their little boy, so Camden got to meet him for the first time, birthdays, breakfasts and picnics on our agenda.

How Big?: In his 12th week we went for his check-up and second round of vaccinations. He was weighing 6.860kg and measuring in at 63cm

Clothing Size: By week 13 I was dressing him in some 3 to 6 and 6-12 month clothing. Our baby giant.

Eating: He is still eating roughly every 3 and a half to 4 hours, depending on how hungry he is that day or whether he wakes up earlier or later. He is still eating according to the 6,10,2 schedule but he has dropped the 2am feed. He has five bottles now per day and is drinking on average 900ml per day. Sometimes he finishes his bottles and other times he doesn't.

Sleep: He is awake for a lot longer during the day these days. The morning there is no more nap time after his 5am feed, now it is play,talk and laugh time, he mostly laughs at mommy and daddy when we yawn. He naps less in the day. He seems to have 20min power naps as his daddy likes to call them and then some days he might surprise us and sleep for 2 hours at a time. He really has no set sleep pattern, he sleeps when he is exhausted, this usually happens after about a 15min battle with himself to fight to stay awake and then he crashes. Night time he goes down around 7:3/8pm and sleeps until 10pm, has his last bottle and then sleeps until around 5am. We moved him from his bassinet in week 13 into a bigger campcot in our room to prepare him for when we move him into his own room and into his cot around 4 months ( if that happens is debatable but at least he isn't sleeping in our bed). He seemed very unsettled the first few days in his new campcot and I assume it is because he has loads more space to move around. We put him to sleep at the bottom of the camp cot and around 3am he fusses because he is bashing his head at the top of the campcot. We just move him and he goes back to sleep. 

Movement: Still moving his arms and legs, he gets real excited on his changing mat when you trying to change his nappy, when he sees me or when Wayne gives him kisses. He has been jumping around in his jumperoo, he really loves that toy...best thing his grandparents could ever have bought him - thanks Ouma and Oupa! The problem with him loving his jumperoo so much is that when he is standing on your lap he seems to think that he is in his jumperoo and he jumps away with pointed toes, he really digs his toes into you...quite eina to be honest. He rolls from his back onto his side in his campcot to talk to his musical sheep...he has big conversations with this toy - SO cute! His neck is a lot stronger and he has a lot more control. When he is on his back he is constantly trying to sit up, he extends his neck forward like a turtle and tries with everything in him to sit up but he just cant' quite get it right - poor thing...working those core muscles like a boss!

Milestones:

• From week 11 he was sitting up straight in his bumbo seat and watching his baby Einstein videos
• Started "talking" way more, if you speak back to him in your version of baby talk he talks back as if he understands you. This is rather entertaining.
• Beginning stages of teething for sure, the drool has increased even more and he is chewing on his hands constantly.
• Follows mommy and daddy wherever they go.
• Discovered his thumb, started sucking or should I say chewing it in week 13
• Starting to giggle
• Discovered his feet, stares at them and sometimes raises his one eyebrow when he moves them.
• laughs at himself in the mirror and talks to the baby in the reflection.
• rolls from his back to his side, especially to talk to his musical sheep.
• when he jumps in his jumperoo, he talks and laughs at the monkey toy that is on the jumperoo
• Has started to grab his toys and hold onto them
• Sometimes stops feeding to grin at you from behind his bottle
• I have a picture of an elephant on the wall at his changing mat and he has started to stare at this when I change him, he is staring at a lot of things all the time now.
• He is up on his back legs a lot and pushes forward with his bum in the air as if he wants to crawl but he is not yet able to push his arms up enough so that he is on all fours. He gets so frustrated with himself.
• First bath with daddy in the big bath.
• Met his friend baby Jaden for the first time.
• Went on his first picnic
• Went to Giraffe house

 

Excitement this week: I think the excitement for mommy and daddy is the fact that they will be going away for the weekend. A mini romantic break, is much needed.

This has been a good month!

Thirteen weeks post-partum: Being back at work I haven't found time to train to be honest and my weight has fluctuated. I have started with a dietician just to make sure I stay on track ( having someone to hold me accountable does help) and get back into the full swing of healthy eating. I want to do this so that when Cam gets older I can pass on good eating habits to him. It seems like I have a long road ahead of me to lose this stubborn baby weight but the dietician has also told me my hormones probably haven't returned to a normal level either so I need to stop being so hard on myself. Other than, the weight issue I am good and I have no complaints.

Physically: Still suffering with major joint pain.

Emotionally: Great! I am happier than I have been in a long time.